The Soggy Potato Chip (the negatives of negative attention)

The Soggy Potato Chip (negative attention)

The last blog was about the slot machine. This one is on the soggy potato chip. 

I imagine you’re starting to think I’m nuts right?! Read on. This is one is THE HARDEST but can be THE MOST FRUITFUL if you actually DO IT!

Ok. This theory is that the soggy potato chip is not the delicious crispy chips (pic on left), but the soggy chip is still better than no chip at all, especially when you're hungry. We’ve all experienced this stale chip at the beach or pool, and we eat it. How does this relate to managing our child’s behavior? Well, negative or bad attention is better than no attention. Soggy is better than none. To your attention maintained child, attention from you is the most important thing to him in the entire world!!!! The best attention is the good kind (praise, rewards, your smile at him). Unfortunately, the next best thing is bad attention. Bad attention means getting yelled at or being told not to do something. Oh DARN you say. This happens daily. Well, yes. Just begin to be aware of it. If your child has been playing well quietly while you check facebook or make dinner (and you’re keeping quiet because they’re being SOO good), then out of nowhere, they choose to misbehave. The crayons are on the wall or the juice is wiped all over the sofa. Why? THEY GET YOUR ATTENTION! If they stay quiet and “good,” they’re not getting any! He may be scolded and have to help clean, but it is ATTENTION.

I’m guilty. You’re guilty. What do we do now????

Don’t put your kid in this position in the 1^st place. Instead, catch your child being good!!! Give extra attention when he is playing well, putting the spoon of food in his mouth & not flinging it, putting toys away. He won’t need to have you respond with the negative attention or soggy chip!

Ok some parents tell me that this interrupts their kid playing well and the kid becomes more demanding and stops playing nice. Should this happen, be calm and firm. Tell him you need to do something else, but you’ll be right back to check on him (praise him for being good). Consistency (not the slot machine approach) will lead to improved behaviors overall, less attention seeking for that bad attention, and more attention seeking with positive behavior!

Good luck! (p.s.- you can also try this with your co-workers)

(The chip analogy was inspired by Jodi Mindell (see last blog). Love her!)

Slot Machines (the threat of partial-reinforcement)

Slot Machines

One of the most frequent themes in my treatment of childhood behavioral problems, and the most common items I discussed with families this week were slot machines and soggy potato chips. Yes, you read right. Let me explain….

In an earlier blog, we talked about rewarding on a budget. Reinforcing your child’s good behavior is a tried-and-true method to get your child to do what you. Catching them doing the right thing and then providing praise, spending time, or giving treats will increase the preferred “good” behavior!!! BUT there are very COMMON mistakes, and your child is not always doing the “good” behaviors to start with!

This is where slot machines and soggy chips come to mind… This blog will focus on the slot machine.

Let’s think about slot machines. If you win every time you put a quarter in a slot machine, you keep playing. You win 4 times in a row (consistent reinforcement). On the 5^th, 6^th, 7^th try, nothing happens. You start to realize that the machine is no longer lucky (stopped paying out), so you go to a new machine. Now think of the slot machine on what’s called a partial-reinforcement schedule. Your 1^st try, you get nothing. Your 2^nd try, you win 2 quarters. The 3^rd-5^th, you win nothing. The 7^th time you win 7 quarters. The 8^th time nothing, and the 9^th time 20 quarters. The 10^th time, nothing. Would you keep playing?! WELL YES!!! You expect if you keep playing you’ll win again! Casinos know that they will have you playing longer by using a partial-reinforcement schedule.

You may be starting to see how this ties to parenting. The parent who uses partial-reinforcement, or partial-punishment, is going to have a child with persistent behavioral problems! If you’re one of these, don’t worry, just keep reading. So the child on partial-R or partial-P knows his/her parent may not follow through. Then of course it’s worth continuing to nag or throw a temper tantrum. It could PAY OFF! The parent may give in ;) Yup, kiddos are smarty pants. The parent who is consistent (uses consistent R&P) will have a well behaved child who knows the consequences for his/her behavior (positive or negative).

Here’s the most common example: Target. We all shop there. We bring our children. We wheel the cart through Target with our 3-year-old seated in the cart.

  

We hope that we can make it through Target without a child meltdown. We engage our child with our conversation, our cell phone games, and a favorite toy. We are at checkout and have successfully bypassed the toy and junk food isles. We’re almost out without mishap. As we wait in the checkout line, our child spots the candy bar with his favorite cartoon character on the front. (Yes, it seems like it’s there strictly for parent torture).

Our lovely kid points to the candy bar and asks for it. We sweetly say “no, we’re going home to eat dinner.” The kid keeps pointing and starts whining. We say no again. He cries now, and people start to notice. We say no again. He starts screaming and crying louder, now like we are beating him. People’s faces start to look concerned. Lady behind us pulls her cart into another longer line.

We give our kid the desirable candy bar. Kid smiles, wipes his eyes, and happily starts munching away. He wins again. We are ALL GUILTY of this! This is just one more example of the powers of partial reinforcement. The slot machine got us again! By giving in when the child got really upset, we the parent has inadvertently just taught our child to scream to get what he wants. To get the candy bar or whatever else he wants. AHH!

PARTIAL-REINFORCEMENT

LEADS TO

INCREASED PERSISTENCE

OF BAD BEHAVIOR

This is also a concept that is true for older children, tweens, teens, and even adults. Read my next blog on the soggy potato chip!!

(This idea was inspired by Dr. Jodi Mindell’s book Sleeping Through The Night, Revised Ed., which is one of my favorites. I LOVE her analogies. This is my take on it that I love using with families.)

Rewarding Your Child: How To Be Effective On A Budget

One of the most effective strategies to change and improve your child's behavior is through positive reinforcement or rewarding. Yep, that's what I said, not PUNISHMENT, but in fact rewarding your child for his desirable behaviors. Now some of you are seeing dollar signs $$$, and I'll get to that later (don't worry). Rewarding is one of the most crucial components to most successful behavioral therapies for children, and YOU can can also use this tool to your benefit.

Read on, and let's nip your child's recent behavioral issue in the bud!

For a little background on this method, children learn about themselves depending on how others interact with them. You can teach your child that he is able to be loving, helpful, or brave when you notice him engaging in these types of behaviors, take time to give him good attention, praise, or a prize. YES, that's POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT or rewarding! Guess what?! This encourages him to KEEP doing the GOOD thing!

On the contrary...dum dum dum... you can also inadvertently teach your child to keep doing BAD THINGS using the same principles! That's right, kids get attention for doing the good things, but also for doing the bad things. If you're a busy parent, you know what I'm talking about. For example, Mom's been on the phone too long and kid is pulling on mom's pant leg or throws a tantrum. Then Mom gets off the phone and kid gets negative attention.

This is too hard, how can I do this?

When your child is doing something you do not like, stop and think. Do you need to say something negative to stop that behavior right away? That might reward her bad behavior with your attention. Sometimes you will need to do or say something negative. But sometimes you can wait and watch for something that she is doing right and talk to her about that. For example, your child may be getting restless at the doctor’s office and begin to make faces and to complain. You could ignore that behavior and watch for when she gets involved in a magazine and stops complaining. Then you could tell her that you see that she is being very patient and that you appreciate her acting grown up. This way you are giving her positive attention. That teaches her what she should do instead of what she shouldn’t do.

Now, there are several important things to do before starting to provide positive reinforcement.

(1) Accept that you, yes you parent/caregiver, now need to follow THESE RULES.

Rule 1: YOU HAVE TO TRY NOT TO GIVE HIM ATTENTION WHEN HE IS DOING THE WRONG THINGS. This means, as long as he and others are safe when he misbehaves, you need to stop paying attention. This includes yelling, making disproving looks, etc... Instead, you need to remove attention. Seriously, seriously, & seriously. Some parents actually will be coached by me to go into another room while their toddler has a tantrum. You can turn your back. Stair straight ahead. NO ATTENTION.

Rule 2: GIVE HIM ATTENTION AT THE RIGHT TIME!!! This is not easy either. Pretend you are a detective. Although it may not be easy to find any desirable behaviors when you're at your 'boiling point', if you search hard enough, you will find them. PAY ATTENTION TO THESE GOOD BEHAVIORS. Your 8 year old picks up his shoes and brings them upstairs (he never picks up anything). GIVE HIM A BIG SMILE, SAY THANKS, and perhaps even provide a reward (like making his favorite drink of chocolate milk for dinner). FREE (well except for the milk & chocolate syrup you already bought).

(2) Pick the best time for you to begin that will provide the best opportunity for success. Often this is on the weekend when you feel more chill. :) Or when you can reward yourself at the end of the day...

(3) Make a plan of attack! Ask yourself many questions:

• What is the specific behavior I am going to be targeting? Tantrums, spitting, throwing sippy cup, bad language, etc...
• How exactly this is going to work? How are you the parent/caregiver going to change your behavior?

(4) Decide on your positive reinforcement strategies or rewards!!! This part is FUN. If you want, involve your older school aged child. I realize skyrocketing prices at the grocery store and high costs at the fuel pumps are crimping your style. The last thing you can imagine doing is increasing spending. AHHH.

Here are some FREE ways to let you child know you like his behavior!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Specific praise is FREE Be very specific. Tell him exactly what behavior, actions and words you liked. Examples: “Thank you for putting your bowl in the sink.” “I like the way you shared your video game with your brother.” “I am proud of the way you practiced the piano today even though you were tired!”
• Touch. This could be a pat on the back, a hug, high fives, or a back rub.

Here are some FREE rewards! Positive reinforcers in the form of activities can be internally rewarding.

• choice of activities
• lunch with someone special
• making crafts
• playing a sport with someone special
• a chore free night
• placing a note about the positive behavior in a place of honor for people to see
• picking the movie for family movie night
• making favorite snack together

Ok, and of course the tangible inexpensive rewards. Give one for each behavior you are rewarding or give one at the end of the day if he/she earns a certain number of points.

• Dollar store or Target bin rewards--take your child if they are age-appropriate. They LOVE picking these things out.
• Take your preteen to the makeup or nail polish sale at Walgreen's.
• Take your son to pick out his favorite collectible cards at Target.
• Put some $ in the Itunes store for him/her to download favorite music.
• Piggy bank change (just empty dad's pockets--in my family a dollar+ daily)

You can also decide on points or tickets to use towards larger prizes. Example, earn 20/30 days a month for a trip to Six Flags for a middle schooler.

(5) Make sure the reward is STRONG or SALIENT (in psycho-jargon). For instance, it CANNOT be something she gets all the time non-contingently (or even when she does not do the behavior you desire).

(6) You can choose to let them know the behavior you are going to be rewarding or be sneaky (not tell them & see if they figure it out). Either way will likely lead to some more of what you want to see!!!

(7) WARNING!!!!!!! EXTINCTION BURSTS!!!!! What on EARTH is this you say? Well, when we first begin to respond differently to the child's behavior, the behavior may escalate or "burst" briefly, prior to de-escalating and extinguishing. For example, unfortunately, the tantrum may be longer, more severe, or louder. Prepare yourself & ensure your child's safety.

(8) Do not spoil your child by providing lots of rewards even when they do not deserve them. Make them work for it, and you'll reap the rewards :)

If this goes well...and you're feeling confident in these strategies, you can even try some sneaky ways to keep improving his behavior. You may try to set some realistic future goals with him. For example, if your child has trouble at bedtime you could say, “Maybe you can surprise me sometime. You could go to bed on your own when it is time. That would make me

feel great!” You may be surprised...

Ok parent/caregiver... get going & good luck!

This is HARD WORK. Are you going to reward yourself for implementing your child's reward program???

SOME REFERENCES:

Guide. Retrieved November 2003 from http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/parenting_tips/discipline/

BBCi Parenting Site. Changing Discipline. Retrieved November 2003 from http://www.bbc.co.uk/parenting/kids/primary_discipline2.shtml

http://www.positivereinforcementforkids.com/

Not another nightmare!

One of my specialties is behavioral sleep management. Sleep is fascinating, frustrating, and full of interesting experiences...even nightmares!! We've all had nightmares from time to time. In fact, I had one last night, the first I've had in several months. While adults can often make sense of these scary experiences and distinguish them from reality, this is particularly difficult for the young child who often blurs fiction and reality. "What if there really is a monster in the closet, mom?" The recurrent nightmare is the worst! Parents out there, don't you wish your kid didn't have chronic nightmares, so they would stop sneaking into your bed at night, or so it was easier for them to go to bed in their room at night? What can a sleepy parent do?

Well, first of all, let's get our facts straight...what are nightmares exactly?

A nightmare is a disturbing or "bad dream" that wakes you up. It is very normal for children, adolescents, and adults to have nightmares from time to time. When they become more frequent and problematic, we start to get concerned.

Nightmares are in fact learned behaviors. What does that mean? Well, somehow the child responds to stress/anxiety during the day in a certain manner, then has nightmares that night or week, then starts to make the connection that bad things in the day = bad dreams/nightmares. These connections or circuits are strong and we see the kid with chronic nightmares!

Chronic nightmares are extremely common in children and adults who are trauma survivors or who have post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Many children and adults seeking help for nightmares also have other psychological disorders such as anxiety or depression (Krakow, 2011). If you have suspicion of these psychological problems, talk to your pediatrician, get a referral for a good psychologist, invest some time and energy toward treatment, and then continue reading here. If your child does not have other psychological concerns, keep reading now!

What about the typical child, no psychological issues, but chronic nightmares? What can you do?

• Talk to your child about their nightmare. (you're thinking-duh already did this, right?)
• Have your child pick a moderately scary nightmare (not the scariest).
• Talk through the nightmare with them and tell them that you can change it in anyway you wish, or "Make New Dreams!"
• You can introduce their favorite super hero to combat the monster, have your child put on magic shoes that help them escape the fire, or have your child's best friend enter the story and help him.
• Now, have your child tell the story again with all of your fabulous creative changes! Make it fun! Praise him/her for every effort!!!
• For young children, drawing a picture of the dream and the changes may be helpful if it's harder to talk about it. The picture can help him remember (double duty)! Also, having his favorite super hero sleep on the nightstand to help him defeat the monster may be a good plan.
• Rehearse the "New Dreams" you've created once a day for 5-15 minutes (not right around bedtime, maybe in car on way to school or soccer practice). Keep talking about the same one or two "New Dreams" a week, don't go over too many it can be overwhelming.

Often parents develop their own "magic tricks" that help kids combat nightmares. I've heard of a spray bottle of "monster repellent" or a "magic safety wand." What magic tricks have you tried?

Good luck! May only the good dreams survive!

(Techniques described in this blog were inspired by Barry Krakow's chapter on Imagery Rehearsal Therapy for Adolescents, in the 2011 book Behavioral Treatment for Sleep Disorders. He encourages adolescents to rehearse new dream images and write about the new dreams when awake. His chapter does not discuss specific strategies for the younger child discussed above)